standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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