I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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