I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
