sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's never too late to be topless.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
