Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize