I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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