I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
