I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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