getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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