i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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