as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
