It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
