I want to make a zoo with you.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
