im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
