I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
