My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
