Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize