I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
