I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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