Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
