Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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