Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just high enough for therapy.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
