Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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