apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
