I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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