the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
