what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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