It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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