I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
it was like eating out sand paper
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
