How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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