I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
