i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
