My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
