That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
