apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize