Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize