This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
