This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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