Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Randomize