I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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