I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
