Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
