I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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