Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
