my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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