When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
