sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
