i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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