she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
