Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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