just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
