Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
