I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
