I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
