Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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