So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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