There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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