And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
