Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
