I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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