Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
